oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
