I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
