Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
