I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
