Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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