hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
