Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
