You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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