Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
