I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Randomize
