Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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