After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
