I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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