there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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