i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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