He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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