I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
