if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
