Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
