I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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