I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
so much tequila, so little girl.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
