I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
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