you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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