Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
