it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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