New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
