so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
