you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
