I am midnight drunk by noon
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
