yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
