I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Damn victory sex feels great
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
