i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
