Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
