Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just want to make out with him forever
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
