My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
