I intend to get homeless drunk
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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