Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
