I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
high people should be assigned attendants
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize