my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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