i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
