laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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