If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
