Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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