grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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