i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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