I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
