Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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