winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
