I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
