Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
