I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize