my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
