Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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