I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
