mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those š
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Iām gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a ābrilliantā idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
