does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
