U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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