Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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