Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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