I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
