just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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