I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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