he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
