That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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